


AU Plot Meme

by rabidchild67



Category: Actor RPF, Porn RPF, Star Trek RPF, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: Mirror Universe, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU Plotting Meme, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, CIA AU, Coming Out, Corporate Espionage, Court AU, Cowboys & Cowgirls, M/M, Mafia AU, Meta masquerading as fic, Prompt Fill, Zoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1890084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I asked folks on Tumblr to give me an AU trope and a pairing, and I would outline the plot of the fic I would never write for it. Here are the results. I'll keep adding chapters/plots as I update Tumblr</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon prompted:
> 
> space husbands supreme court AU

Jim is the youngest being to be named to the Federation’s Supreme Court analogue and so naturally he attracts a lot of attention and press that his fellow justices are very disapproving of. Jim is bummed by this, because a lot of them are people who he has admired for years if not out-and-out fanboyed, and it just hurts. There may be nerdy law hazing, I’m not sure.

Spock is arguing a case before the court, and his arguments are sound and, of course, based in logic. He’s kind of a rock star, and nearly always wins the cases he brings before the court, but Jim gets a hair up his ass about it, thinking (quite rightly) that just because he’s a Vulcan (and hot) and his arguments are logical (in a hot way), it doesn’t necessarily mean that logic = correctness, and that the cases need to be judged on their merits not who argues them (albeit by a hottie, why are you looking at Jim like that, jeez!). 

Insert hand wavey issues of the application of interstellar law here: /boop/

Jim is very hard on Spock when he’s presenting his oral argument, and it’s not because he’s being an asshole (well, not only), but because he has a fundamental problem with the application of the law in this instance. There is a lot of verbal sniping that I am not nearly smart enough to write and they angry eye-fuck each other.

Oh yeah, these proceedings are televised, and it becomes a minor internet sensation (or the 23rd Century equivalent of the Internet).

Arguments are concluded and the justices go off to… deliberate? IDK how this goes, but then Spock approaches Jim and is kinda annoyed Jim was so hard on him, and kinda also grudgingly admitting Jim had a point. Also more eye-fucking.

Long story short, there is much UST, but they can’t do anything because it would be inappropriate. There is much Stoic Vulcan Lust TM and literal human wanking.

FF a few weeks and it’s the day of the court’s decision. It’s come down against Spock and his clients, and Jim was the one to write the majority opinion, which is very scathing of the client (but not of Spock). Jim is concerned that Spock will hate him, but of course he does not, because the basis for the decision is also very logical and Spock (as well as the other justices) respects Jim even more because of his Big Sexy Brain and legal brilliance.

Then they fuck. The end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon prompted:  
> au where Zach is the head of the Italian mafia in Philly and everything is going his way until he meets super innocent, blond haired, blue eyed Christopher who is new in town.

Zach is the head of a mafia family in Philly (How you doin’? Jeet? Ay, I’m talkin’ to you, can you believe this fuckin’ guy? Bring me a cheesesteak wit, a’ight? Here’s a hunnerd, buy some for the boys too, keep the change, get outta here. Ay, oh, ay.)

Ahem.

Anyway, Zach inherited the family business from his older brother, and he is keen to make Joe’s dream of legitimizing the family businesses a reality, because he’s a moral guy and the illegal stuff’s just a hassle, you know? He is also v. sad because he trained as an actor at CMU, and if his big bro hadn’t been gunned down by that dirty cop Orci, he’d be chasing his dream. 

Enter Christopher, some Main Line Wharton-educated whiz kid who interrupts Zach’s dinner at Osteria to let him know he’s just the guy to help him pull it off. He’s smart and he’s confident and he’s got an ass that won’t quit, and Zach hires him on one condition – he’s got a year to pull it off. Chris hires Zoë as a publicity/image consultant as well as John to be a financial/investment advisor. There is much flirting over soft pretzels with mustard and then they kiss in Love Park. Because Philly.

Meanwhile, Orci, the dirty cop who murdered Joe, was actually hired by a rival family. They arrange a hit on Zach (they think he is weak and an easy target), but Chris foils it. Chris is freaked out because people are trying to kill them. Zach is sadly accepting of it (they killed his dad too), but refuses to retaliate. All his deputies and advisors are against that, but Zach is adamant and kinda scarily threatening for a Zen’d out actor type, and it’s a huge turn-on for Chris. 

There are more ups and downs, including dealing with an indiscretion caused by Zach’s little cousin Anton, and it will all culminate in some big gala/party/whatever event will be way too dramatically important to be realistic (this is fanfiction, OK, I’m weak?). Rival Family makes a last ditch effort to take Zach down, enlisting someone close to him (Bruce the consigliere? OH NOES) to do it, and Chris foils it again. This will make the third time Chris has saved Zach’s life (did I not mention the first one? Maybe there was choking. On some scrapple IDK: Philly). Anyway, Zach finally twigs to the fact that Chris is always there, always with him, always saving him. Just what the hell is this?

Turns out that Chris is an agent for Joe (who’s not really dead – just laying low yay!), and he is an ex Ninja/CIA agent/financial genius/power bottom hired to look after Zach in ways that Joe just couldn’t. In the end, the Quinto Family finally divests itself of all criminal misdeeds, the rival family are all caught on RICO charges, and Zach’s first showcase is attended by a Broadway director interested in seeing him audition for the lead in a revival of Sweeney Todd.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU in which CP came out publicly as bisexual well before they film STXI, but is still selected to play Jim. Does this help or hinder ZQ's ability/desire to come out after the STXI release?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one turned into a ficlet.

Zach hates him, he does. He’s so confident and comfortable with being out, and of course everything’s perfect for him – of course. There was no backlash, no jokes on the internet. Only a double-segment guest shot on Ellen where he brought her fucking blood oranges. Who does that?

New face of bisexuality his ass. Zach could do that. If he was bi.

Shit, he’s got to get over this. He’s made his choice to be comfortable within his own skin. He’s out to the people that matter, the people he works with and the people he loves. He doesn’t have to seal it with a press release. Anyway, anything he’d release now would look like a “me too” move and he’s never been about that, never.

But then he takes a minute and thinks. He thinks maybe he’s being an asshole. He thinks it’s not a competition, and it should never be. He thinks he can imagine a world where the two leads in a major summer tentpole movie happen to be queer and no one thinks twice about it. He imagines a Hollywood where people’s sexuality is not even secondary to who they are – it’s just a part of who they are, like their hair or eye color. He imagines young people looking up at the screen and seeing themselves there, imagining that they can lead the country or captain a starship or be a racecar driver. Finally, he imagines giving that to a kid: someone to look up to. Someone like he never had as a kid.

And he calls his publicist.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nostalgia-in-starlight prompted:
> 
> Spirk in a corporate espionage AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All that writing of White Collar casefic has really paid off... /eyeroll/

Spock is the chief talent and CEO of Shi’kahr, an up and coming design house, and has set the fashion industry on fire with his daring designs for men’s lingerie. They’ve gotten an anonymous call: the company’s servers have been raided and a virus planted there. Unless he pays a ransom, all of that data will be erased. This is devastating news, because these designs were about to go into production in advance of some very big orders for Saks and Barneys and whatnot, all contingent on a successful show during Fashion Week.

Enter Special Agent James T. Kirk, hotshot investigator with the FBI’s Cybercrimes Division, to investigate. Jim and his team discover that whoever these people are, they’ve left no trace, but he is charmed by the quirky designer and he vows to help him. He asks Spock to dinner where they plan to brainstorm who might be targeting him and why, but they spend the entire time discussing literature and chess, and Spock invites Jim back to his swell loft in the Meat Packing District for a “nightcap,” and we all know what that means.

After a bit of dry humping at the front door, Spock lets them in but OH NOES – there’s a masked intruder in his apartment! Jim chases after them, but they turn and fire a gun, nearly hitting Spock, before Jim manages to scare them away. Spock is clearly upset (even though he’s trying to hide it) and Jim insists on staying the night until a security detail can be arranged the next day. They don’t sleep together though – Jim is a professional, after all, but it won’t stop him taking a cold shower before bed.

When they get to Spock’s offices the next day, the place is in an uproar because there has been another demand: because they called in the Feds, the ransom is now doubled and the timeframe halved, but the company just doesn’t have that kind of money. 

Plotcakes I am too lazy to work through lead to a clue, and it becomes clear that the enemy here is not money-hungry cybercriminals but Stonn, a former rival of Spock’s when they went to FIT who has become dangerously obsessed with him. Jim’s advice is to lay low until the guy can be caught, but Spock refuses – he will not be kept from his triumphant fashion show.

So the show must go on, and it does, but with a lot of FBI agents as runway models (cue Bones, Chekov, Sulu and even Scotty on the catwalk). At the end of the show, when the designer would traditionally come out for his ovation, Spock is nowhere to be found. OH NOES! Stonn has kidnapped him!

Luckily, Jim is a super agent and he tracks them down in one of the factories where Spock’s clothes are made. There is a showdown where Jim is holding a gun on the baddie, who is holding a pair of pinking shears to Spock’s beautiful, beautiful, uncut cock. There is much stoic backing-and-forthing and eventually, Jim shoots the baddie, who falls. Cue frantic kisses as Jim gathers a fetchingly bruised Spock in his arms. Just as they’re about to leave, however, the baddie rouses, and threatens Jim with another gun. Spock, thinking fast, pulls a lever, releasing an overhead storage bin; the baddie is crushed to death under a metric ton of faux Tribble-fur shrugs.

EPILOGUE: Spock is trying to get Jim to try on some new clothes (those boxy, untailored suits he wears on the job are an insult to his sensibilities). None of it works for him at all – it’s either too fashion forward or too fancy. Finally, Jim emerges from the bathroom wearing a silky, green wrap-around number, and Spock is immediately captivated. 

They fuck on the fat shirt. The End.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> obsidianwrites prompted:
> 
> Pinto Zookeeper AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, they're lions? With D/s undertones?

Karl is in charge of the Big Cats at the San Diego Zoo. One day, the DEA busts a drug kingpin who kept an extensive menagerie on his property and all of the animals that have been rescued are in need of new homes. They just so happen to have room for one of the young male lions, and so Karl begins to make preparations to accept the strikingly blue-eyed youngster at the zoo.

It’s tricky integrating a big cat into an established group of them, and it is Karl’s plan to introduce Christopher slowly. Things seem to be going well until one day Karl’s clumsy boss Bob leaves a door open where he should not have, and Christopher wanders into the enclosure where Zachary, the alpha male, lives.

Karl is beside himself – while Zachary is fairly benevolent to humans and lionesses, he has shown animosity to males in the past. There’s not much Karl can do except watch, however, as the big, gallumphing youngster bounds over to the King of the zoo’s virtual jungle.

Zachary is surprisingly tolerant of young Christopher, allowing him to butt his head against him and lay his large paws on his shoulders. At one point, Christopher makes a move towards Zachary’s food and, shockingly, Zachary allows it. Christopher brings morsels to Zachary, who sniffs at them first as if refusing them, and finally allows Christopher to eat them. After he’s eaten, Christopher lays himself down in front of Zachary in a submissive position. Seeing this as a positive sign, Karl watches for a little longer, but then separates the two later on.

Over the next several weeks, Karl allows the lions to be together for increasing periods of time. Zachary seems quite tolerant of Christopher, putting up with his more mischievous antics, such as the time he jumped into the moat that separated the lion enclosure from the public. Getting wet upset Christopher greatly, the water in his ears proving a great distraction; Zachary held him down with one great paw and proceeded to lick all the water out, soothing the young lion. But in the manner of older animals teaching the younger their places, every once in a while Zachary will take the food right from Christopher’s mouth, just to prove that he can and should; Christopher always takes this behavior in stride and never seems resentful. As the months wear on with no negative consequences, Karl deems it acceptable for the animals to live together in the same enclosure. 

Eventually, however, it becomes clear to Karl and the other zoologists that Zachary and Christopher may be a bit closer than they thought. Whether they are eating, sleeping, or just sitting around looking majestic, they are always touching. They seem to eschew the other lions’ attentions for each other’s, displaying elaborate play scenarios that only they seem able to fully understand. The other lions have started to just leave them to themselves. And when the St. Louis Zoo sends one of their females Alice over for the breeding program, neither male seems very interested in her, even when she eventually goes into heat. 

Karl finds it amusing that the lions seem to want only each other’s company, though the zoo’s director Bob has other ideas. Bob orders that the males be separated, to assist in their attachment to some of the females in order to promote later matings. Both lions suffer from the separation, Christopher the most; he neglects himself by not grooming, and his newly grown mane becomes unkempt and wild.

It is no coincidence that animal rights activists get wind of the lions’ plight, because Karl secretly called them. He goes on record as saying he thinks the separation is harming the lions. Calls to reuinite them begin to come from all over the country – as well as protests outside the Zoo’s property by religious groups wanting to support the separation. It all leads to a major funder for the zoo threatening to reduce their annual grant to them unless the lions are reunited. Finally Bob is forced to relent and admit that this pair of “zoo husbands” (as the media has dubbed them) ought to be together forever.

In the end, the two lions become the second most popular attraction in the zoo (behind the giant pandas), and even their mildest antics are greeted with an escalating online excitement among their most ardent fangirls.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My buddy in crime tif-oh-one prompted for Mirror 'verse coffee shop au. Who can resist that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's also more like a ficlet

Jim is perplexed. He has always been a success at everything he's tried and a coffee shop should be no different. Yet he doesn't know why his business is failing.

Clearly it’s to do with his employees. Like, he knows it's probably a bit harsh to sentence them to an hour in the Agonizer Booth when they get a customer’s order wrong, but excellence in all things is a basic principle of the empire and he how food service should be any different. Still, there’s been a lot of turnover.

The new guy Spock seems to have been a good hire though. He almost never makes an error and when he does it's usually due to a miscommunication at the customer’s end. But rules are rules and when he’s sent to the Agonizer he doesn't complain. If Jim isn't mistaken the guy seems to like it. 

 

The day Jim finds the discarded Tantalus Field machine in the dumpster behind the Five Guys is a revelation. He gets his pal Scotty to fix it up and before he knows it, Jim's able to disappear rival shop owners all over town. Business picks up after that, when the customers have no other option. At about the same time, his dad’s contacts at Starfleet’s Quartermaster Division pay off, and if Jim uses the opportunity to relieve Starfleet of some surplus Andorian yak’s milk for the lattes, he's not complaining. 

He feels good about the way the shop’s going now – and good about the way Spock licks his lips in anticipation of another bout in the Booth. There’s something there that renews Jim’s swagger, makes him think he can do anything. He may have washed out of the academy but there are other ways to make it at Starfleet for a young entrepreneur. From ship barista to captain isn't that big a stretch and Jim bets he could do it in less than two years if he plays his cards right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> colinmorgan prompted:
> 
> Berkeley student!Pine meets Zach while studying abroad?

They keep meeting over and over again, because when you’re one of the few Americans around, people keep introducing you. Chris personifies the phrase “painfully shy” and at first Zach wonders what could be wrong with him. Chris’s curriculum is all about his English studies, but he takes an acting class on the side that Zach is also in, and when he does Edmund’s monologue from Long Day’s Journey into Night, he blows Zach away.

Zach invites him to coffee afterwards and they share life stories. Chris talks about his acting family, and how he’s not meant to follow in their footsteps, but there’s just something about it that appeals to him – it’s in his blood and he can’t walk away even if he’ll never be successful at it. Zach thinks differently, but Chris doesn’t want to hear it. Zach talks about losing his father and how that shaped who he was, and how he used to wonder if that’s what made him gay or not and it’s funny now but at the time he was so confused. Chris seems surprised to learn of Zach’s sexuality, and later Zach thinks it’s because he’s freaked out about it and he says something mean. But it’s really that Chris has never known someone so open about it and he wishes he could be like that too.

They only see each other in class after that, because Chris thinks he’s insulted Zach and he stays away. But they have a chemistry in the scenes they’re given to do and there is obvious sexual tension there that never comes to anything but an almost-kiss. The semester wears on and soon enough it’s Christmas and Chris is about to go home for the holidays. Zach asks him to go out for a beer and that’s where Chris admits to being intimidated by Zach’s openly living who he is. Chris could never do that, he thinks, and Zach, being somewhat naively douchey about these things, goes on about living an “open, authentic” life. Chris leaves, flustered. Over the break, Zach gets a small part in a play in London, so they never see each other again. 

Fast forward a few years and they meet in LA. Chris is now far from the shy introvert he was, and Zach is a lot more mature. Zach apologizes for being so judgmental back in the day – he fully acknowledges he was an asshole. They go to lunch and try things over, and by the end of the date they’re holding hands.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steammmpunk prompted:
> 
> um. pinto jack ryan au?

Basically, it’s the entire movie with Zach in the Keira Knightley role, but he’s a surgeon instead of an ophthalmologist. And he has a fully-developed character arc of his own where he used to be in the military as well, and was finally driven out because of DADT and got tired of lying all the time about who he was. And he might act like a gentle soul, but he’s no fucking damsel, man, he was attached to Special Forces. And he might not have had to go on any missions, but he still trained with those guys, so he can actually kick major ass. And that restaurant scene with Branaugh is really fraught with tension because the Russian guy is also a homophobe who might also be a deeply closeted, self-hating gay man (depending on your interpretation of the performance), and there’s a constant threat that he will explode into unspeakable acts of violence. And the big car chase happens when Zach’s character (he’s still named Cathy, only it’s his last name maybe, because I’m weird like that) is taken but he puts up an actual fight and fucking krav magas Ken around that van a few times before finally having to be knocked unconscious with a shoe or whatever to shut him up. Ken’s practically throwing him at Chris by the end of that chase, like fucking-a, man, I only came out to have a good time and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now.

The rest of the movie pretty much goes as written except there’s a LOT of sex in that hospital bed at the end, and Kevin Costner recruits Cathy for the CIA too because damn son, and Jack and Cathy get married in Vermont (it’s before same sex marriage has passed in NY), and then they become kickass CIA agents together. The end.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon prompted:
> 
> How about Pinto, arranged marriage

Chris is the son of the French king and the heir to the throne. Zach is the son of the Doge of Venice (Such city. Very canals. Wow.) and is brought to court as the latest in a long list of suitors being put forward to marry Chris’s sister Katherine. When the two princes meet, there are instant sparks and they must hide their attraction because it’s like the 16th century and that shit’s a capital crime.

They each think they’re seducing the other and there are many scenes of flirting and double entendres involving the usual list of clichéd period court activities (a masque, a hunting party, poetry reading/writing, um, jousting?). Katie is Chris’s confidante and is about as interested in Zach as she’s been in all the others that have been sent to court, so she doesn’t see the harm if her brother wants to have a little fling. Zach’s brother Joe is along for the ride even though he’s already engaged to someone; he’s a bit of a worrywart and is concerned about what happens if they’re caught. 

They have sex after the jousting (cue jokes about lances and thrusting) but afterwards, when one of them must leave, they realize they really love each other. After that they are heartbreakingly devoted and schmoopy.

Katie knows they are in love and when she sees how devastated they are when Zach’s time at court is coming to an end, she begins to show favor to Zach in the hope that her father the King will say yes to their betrothal. The story ends with the betrothal ceremony after which the boys spend a happy night together.

In the inevitable sequel, Katie and Zach are married and everyone is happy for a time. Katie could care less about her brother banging her husband, she’s just glad not to have to be moved around like some sort of pawn in a game of international chess. Eventually, the pressures of being at court wear on them though, as there begins to be talk about finding a suitable bride for Chris. He’s to be the King some day, so she has to be really connected. 

There is also talk of war with England (it’s the 16th century – there’s always war with England), and eventually Chris is sent away to lead the French army. Word comes that he was killed in battle and Katie comforts Zach, who is devastated. The report turns out to be false, but Katie is left thinking she wishes she had someone who loved her as much as Zach loves Chris. She and Joe begin flirting again, even though he’s already engaged, but the two of them fall in love anyway. Katie gets preggers and everyone at court is thrilled. Chris returns in triumph and there is much rejoicing. But then Joe has to return home to Venice when the Doge becomes ill; he eventually dies (Such bummers. Very sad. Wow.), and Katie is devastated when she can no longer be with her lover.

The story ends with an arrangement that Katie and Zach will go and live in Italy for half the year. So at least the pairs of lovers can be together for six months of the year, at least for a while until Joe has to get married.

In the next inevitable sequel, the pressure is on for Chris to marry and he is increasingly bad tempered about it and acts out often. He hears too many tales of Zach and Katie and the new baby and he’s actually jealous, thinking they’re really together now that they’re a family. He is stupid that way.

He begins to actively flirt with the princesses that get paraded in front of him and is eventually captivated by Princess Zoë of Spain, who is a spitfire and throws all his shit back at him and then some. The two hit it off and are betrothed, but when she comes on to him he can’t get it up because he’s gay. She’s very understanding – hey, she’s more into chicks than dudes – and they realize they’re kind of a good match after all.

The story ends with Chris and Zoë’s wedding. Katie and Zach and Joe are in attendance, Zoë’s eyeing up Katie’s newest lady-in-waiting, Alice, and Chris and Zach fuck like crazed weasels all over the summer palace.

In the next inevitable sequel, we fast forward a few years. Chris is now king, he and Zoë are trying and failing to get pregnant (you have to fuck her, dear, Katie advises; then she cleverly suggests a threesome with Zach and Zoë and that does the trick after a while). 

England is getting all uppity again over, like, land or some shit. Chris wants to install Zach as one of his advisors but there is prejudice against him because he is swarthy and then the rumors they’ve been successfully keeping at bay (that they are lovers) begin to swirl. Turns out the evil Count Orci of whatever thinks he can blackmail his way into a title but Chris has other ideas. There is much intrigue that I am too exhausted to work out right now, but in the end Chris sends Orci to England as their ambassador with orders to broker a peace or else. Zoë and Chris have a son, the succession is secured, and people get off all their backs. The end.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATONAU prompted: 
> 
> Chris is dealing with a less-than-stellar movie and a breakup that leaves him hiding from the paps. He decides to take an extended vacation in a cottage on a small island of the coast of Washington, where the caretaker Zach may be hiding a few wounds of his own.
> 
> I hope it’s OK for me to change Chris’s career to that of a writer?

Chris Pine is a famous writer who used to be the next big ting, but his second novel tanked and he’s been in a tailspin ever since. After a DWI arrest in new Zealand, he rents a cottage in Washington State to just get away from it all. He arrives at the local General Store to pick up the keys for the cottage from Zoë, who owns both the store and the cottage. She says that things are already stocked, like he asked, and that the place is looked after by Zachary, so he won’t have to worry about anything. And this is a town where folks keep their mouths shut, so he won’t have to worry about anyone bothering him (Zoë is clearly a fangirl of his).

Chris goes to the cottage and it is stunning; it overlooks the sea and has a wrap-around porch and the spaces are light and airy and the bed is large and comfy. Speaking of, he’s kind of tired from the drive up here, so he takes a little nap. When he wakes, there’s someone standing over him and he freaks out a little – it’s Zachary, the place’s caretaker. Zachary is very apologetic, or tries to be, but he’s got a stutter that gets really bad when he’s stressed. He is eventually able to explain that he thought Chris was dead or something, so he was just checking up on him. Chris isn’t sure he believes him, but fine. Zachary asks him if he’d like him to build a fire – the nights get cold and there’s no heat. Chris agrees and when he emerges from the bedroom, Zachary is gone.

The next morning, there are fresh baked muffins waiting for him – an apology gift from Zachary – and Chris settles into a quiet day in the house, sitting on the porch swing to read. He’s aware that Zachary is somewhere around the place, chopping wood or something, because he can hear him muttering to himself. He thinks the poor guy’s off his rocker – he did look a bit eccentric with his overgrown eyebrows, neck beard, and tendency to wear nothing but stripes – until he realizes that Zachary isn’t stuttering now and he’s quoting Yeats.

Chris approaches Zachary and asks him about what he’s saying and the caretaker haltingly explains that they’re poems his dad used to read to him. You like reading poetry? Chris asks, and Zach shies away – it turns out he can’t read at all, and it’s something he’s deeply ashamed of, but he could never learn when he was in school. When his dad died, he had to quit school anyway so he could take care of himself and his grandmother by doing odd jobs around town. He describes his inability to learn to read to Chris, who thinks he must be dyslexic. Chris, who spent one summer in college helping to teach learning disabled kids, vows to teach Zachary to read.

Over the next week, Chris has a bunch of learning tools shipped up, and he slowly teaches Zach how to read (and it’s not that whole Zach is too proud to admit he needs help trope because I fucking hate it, OK?) . In between times, they tell each other stories about their lives and during a quiet moment, Chris is about to lean in for a smooch when Zach reads a passage correctly and has a big breakthrough (because that is a trope I am fond of) \o/

They go into town to celebrate over dinner, where Zach recites to Chris some of his own original poetry that he’s never written down and Chris is so charmed he might just combust. He contemplates making a move but Zach is just so shy all of a sudden he thinks better of it – he doesn’t want to scare him away. 

Before he knows it, Chris’s two-week vacation turns into three months, and Zach is a really quick learner. Chris buys him a laptop for his birthday and encourages Zach to write his poems down and anything else he might want to write up. Zach does, and he reads them to Chris, who is so overcome that he finally kisses Zach. They fuck in a hammock or something.

They spend the next several weeks fucking and discussing writing and fucking and reading and fucking. And Chris is actually able to write something that doesn’t suck for he first time in like five years. 

One day, Chris’s agent Simon shows up – where the hell have you been, you know you’re only as good as your last book, and yours was not that good, Chris – and makes everyone tense. He also mentions that the poems Chris shared with him are making a big splash in New York, and he wants Chris to admit he wrote them. Chris is angry – he wasn’t supposed to share them with anyone, Chris just wanted his opinion.

Zach is freaked out by Chris’s breach of his trust and disappears. In a rainstorm. Yeah. Chris runs after him and catches up to him, and Zach is having a minor panic attack and tells Chris he never wants to see him again and Chris yells at him and tells him he did it because he loves him and his work is phenomenal and he just wanted to be able to give someone else’s good opinion to Zach as a gift, as an ego boost, because he really needs the validation because living in this town with all his ghosts has turned Zach into something he’s not and isn’t it time he leaves and discovers what he can do with his life, why does he insist on being held back by who he used to be and why can’t he just live up to who he should be. It’s not long before they both realize Chris is talking as much about himself as Zach. 

Fast forward a year. Zach’s first book of poetry is just about to be published and he’s about to embark on a press tour. Chris has bought the cottage and they live there together. Chris has also taken a job as a professor at the local college, where he teaches contemporary American literature and has never been happier. He’s a bit stressed out to see Zach go away – how will he cope, will his stutter get worse, etc. Zach assures him he’ll be fine, and before he goes he proposes, because he knows Chris needs a project to work on and since his last one – Zach – was such a resounding success, perhaps planning a wedding will give Chris what he needs.

Oh, and then they fuck in the hammock some more. The end.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tif-oh-one prompted:
> 
> Colby Keller/Dale Cooper court AU? :D

Colby is a brilliant lawyer who has grown disillusioned with The System and has chucked all his money, his partnership in a white shoe firm, and his million-dollar duplex in SoHo to become a public defender. When the latest crime of the century of the week happens, it is assigned to him. It seems like an open-and-shut case: the suspect, Dale, was caught in the victim’s apartment, covered in blood, holding the murder weapon. And oh yeah, he admitted to the cops that he did it (before he was read his rights, naturally). 

When Colby meets Dale, he’s perfectly OK, he’s not at all affected by the fact he’s being charged with first degree murder. At first Colby is put off by the cockiness – he’s only trying to help Dale! Before he leaves, though, he sees just a bit of that vulnerable little boy inside, and it makes him more determined to prove Dale’s innocence.

The weeks leading up to the trial wear on, and along the way it becomes clear that there is something Dale is holding back. Colby launches his own investigation and learns that the victim, some judge, was actually Dale’s stepfather, and he was abusive. What’s more, Dale’s little sister disappeared years ago when she was 6, and Dale confesses tearfully that he was the one who killed her, and he deserves to get the death penalty for that, if not for the murder of his stepfather. This is a very emotionally fraught scene, so naturally they make out afterwards.

Long story short, Dale did not kill his sister – their stepfather did, and he fucked Dale up in the head to make him think he’d killed her. Unfortunately, it really does look like Dale killed the guy and there’s almost nothing Colby can do, but they go to trial anyway.

The trial comes and Colby pulls out all the stops, even putting Dale on the stand to tell his tale of woe. When he does, there’s not a dry eye in the house. In the end, there is a hung jury and Dale effectively goes free. The prosecutor lets Colby know that there’s little chance the state will insist on another trial for the murder of so despicable a character (Colby as much as proved the stepfather murdered the little sister), so Dale is effectively a free man.

Colby and Dale have incandescently hot sex in literally every room of Collby’s house. And I would write every single one. The end.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked:
> 
> Sterek AU where stiles is an alpha to a rival pack

Not my fandom, so I hope I get all the tropes right?

So Stiles is turned into a werewolf and he’s rightfully pissed off about it so he kills his… I’m not sure what they call it in this show… sire? Anywho, doing that makes him an alpha, yes? So yeah, he’s now in charge of this other pack from the Next Town Over, where the townspeople have it together and notice when their children are angsting over Big Deal Life Choices and counsel them appropriately and they don’t allow self-professed bigoted psychopaths to become school principals, and the teacher/coaches aren’t criminally negligent, and the big sport at school isn’t fucking lacrosse.

Anyways, Stiles is all, “Huh, so this is what a functional town is like? I should totes move here.” So he does but he’s Stiles, you know, so he’s all twitchy and uncoordinated and the others find him utterly charming, and he chills out after a while and becomes less twitchy long enough to get laid maybe apply to colleges and it doesn’t take him three years to get through a single semester.

So Scott finally stops looking perpetually confused for long enough to be all, “Where’s Stiles?” and Derek pops up from behind a tree to be all, “He’s been taken,” all mysterious-like and then he disappears again only to reappear in the Next Town Over all shirtless and tortured, like literally tortured, and one of Stiles’ new pack finds him and takes him to a hospital because wow that’s a novel idea, and he’s treated properly by a real doctor who isn’t a shaman looking to collect werewolf blood for nefarious purposes or whatever. When he wakes up, Stiles is there looking all concerned for his health, “Because seriously, Derek, you need to look after yourself better.” So he hangs out at the hospital while Derek recuperates and they play Jenga and do Sudoku and then when Derek is discharged, he moves in with Stiles just like that. 

It’s really easy for them to fall into a pattern where Derek makes Stiles healthy breakfasts before he goes off to school, then Stiles comes home and works really hard on his schoolwork before they fuck like crazed weasels and then Stiles makes dinner and they clean up together afterward. And during the full moon they just channel all that bloodlust into lust-lust and the sex is fucking phenomenal and Derek is the toppiest bottom that ever bottomed and Stiles wouldn’t have it any other way.

So a few months go by and one day Scott shows up looking all dire and Derek is all, “What now?” and Scott says he needs their help because the shallow cultural stereotype baddie of the week is Really Bad This Time and it’s an all hands situation and think of our old 'pack' and blah blah blah we're all just wondering when we can look forward to the next time Derek will take his shirt off.

So Stiles is all, “I feel you Scotto, but we were always the most interesting characters and we got sick and tired of servicing the A-plot at the expense of our own character development, so we’re staying. Now, if you want to hang, that’s cool, there’s the guest room, but otherwise go the fuck home.”

Scott blinks in confusion for like a half hour, but then he realizes that being the paladin of the goddamned universe ain’t all it’s cooked up to be and for fuck’s sake he’s only 16, can he chill the fuck out already, and he moves in with Stiles and Derek.

Sometime in a not-so-distant future, there’s a minor news story of the entire town of Beacon Hills going up in flames then falling into a sink hole that gets filled with a mudslide and no one really cares. Except the footage is shot really well, using slo-mo and four cameras, and it’s set to the latest Fall Out Boy single.

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do like this show, it can just be so ridiculous sometimes, so this i some having a bit of fun with it.


	13. Pinto Serial Killer/Coffee Shop AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted on Tumblr by an unsuspecting Jouissant

Zach gets a new job as a barista at Wash ‘N Nosh, a combo laundromat and coffee shop in downtown Pittsburgh. Cho is its beleaguered/snarky owner, Zoë and Anton work the counter, and Chris is the place’s eccentric coffee roaster, whose palate is so sophisticated and sensitive that Starbucks has been after him for years to no avail. Everyone is nice, the place is a great neighborhood hang, and Zach’s laundry has ever been cleaner.

One day, Zach comes to work to find everyone whispering to each other and a general air of distress in the shop. It turns out that The Steel City Slasher, a vicious serial murderer who had terrorized the city years before, is apparently back with a vengeance. And everyone is on edge because the killer was supposed to be in jail already and his last victim… was Chris’s mom (DUN!).

Zach is appalled, of course, and realizes that this explains a lot about Chris’s weird personality. He’s painfully shy around strangers (to the point of being completely shut down) except when he’s speaking about his life’s passion: coffee. Then, of course, you can’t get him to shut up. Otherwise, he’ll communicate with those he knows well like his co-workers. Chris tries to pretend he’s not affected by this latest development, but Zach can see how his hands shake when he doesn’t think anyone is watching, and Zach finds his protective instincts kick in. 

Now, Zach really likes coffee, but he doesn’t know much about it, and Chris is totes hot behind those thick glasses and under those baggy clothes. Zach determines he’s going to become friends with the guy and studies up on the coffee industry – everything from understanding the specifics of microclimate changes on crop yields and flavor profiles to the effect of political strife and international trade relations on prices around the world to the proper temperature to roast certain beans. Gradually, Chris warms to Zach and they go on a date of sorts to one of those competitions where baristas compete to make pretty pretty lattes. Chris being a minor celebrity among this crowd, he is soon surrounded, and Zach spots the beginnings of an imminent panic attack, so he gets Chris out of there. Chris is grateful and sweet and without prompting tells Zach the story of how his mom was killed, and how he was the one who found her and he was only like 9, but he saw the Slasher doing it and because of the trial and the media circus and having to testify and stuff, he hates crowds and is shy and slow to trust folks. Zach totes gets that shit and says he respects Chris’s boundaries, but he still kisses him anyway. 

A week goes by and who should come into the shop but one Detective Karl Urban, who had worked the original Steel City Slasher case back in the day and is there to question Chris. Chris naturally knows nothing and Zach is all kinds of hostile about the questioning, because Karl is pretty rough around the edges and lacking in some social graces. But he’s clearly got a soft spot for Chris, so Zach cuts him some slack. 

Zach and Chris go out on another date later that night, but Chris winds up being all nervous and weird so they cut off their night early. Next morning comes news that the Slasher’s latest victim is… JOHN. DUN DUN!

Oh noes! Everyone’s favorite smartass laundromat/coffee shop owner is dead, and all the employees are reeling. Especially Chris, who is acting even more mumbly and withdrawn than before, even resorting to self-harm and muttering something about “knowing better.” Zach takes charge at the shop – it’s the sole source of revenue for John’s fam and they’ll be destitute without it – and also makes sure Chris gets to see a doctor and then gets home safely.

Later that night, Karl returns looking for Chris. He’s a bit gruff and cagey, and says that despite what the media is saying, the killer is in jail GDI, and this one’s just a copycat. But he’s also worried, see? Because what do you think they found at the murder scene? Evidence that ties Chris to the crime – DUN DUN DUN!

Convinced of Chris’s innocence, Zach takes a trip to the local maximum security prison to talk with the killer, because some random coffee slinger can always get instant access to serial murderers, that shit happens all the time, just take a number. He meets the Steel City Slasher – Stuart Bruce Greenwood – who is a calm, likable, well-spoken man with stunningly, attractively crinkly blue eyes and a neat haircut despite the rigors of having spent the last decade in prison. During the visit, Zach learns that Bruce and Chris’s mom were lovers and that maybe Chris and Bruce had more of a connection than anyone ever knew. Bruce implies that Chris is the outside accomplice who’s been doing the copycat murders and when Zach presses him to confirm, he acts all coy. 

Zach, of course, is very upset, and being the protagonist of this kind of story, goes immediately to Chris for corroboration. There follows a convo with a clearly disturbed and unhinged Chris where, despite all the evidence (and maybe an incriminating tattoo because, IDK, plotcakes), Zach is still convinced of Chris’s innocence, even if Chris himself no longer seems to be. 

And because this is this kind of a story and also because I am feeling too lazy to think one up, MOAR PLOTCAKES and Zach has determined how he might set a trap for the killer using Chris as bait. Because why wouldn’t you use your mentally and emotionally unbalanced BF to catch a dangerous sociopath? Hmm? Anyhiddles, the trap is set in Chris’s abandoned childhood home (or maybe an elementary school – nothing’s creepier than a dark science classroom, yo) and when it’s sprung, who should show up but… DETECTIVE KARL! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karl kinda sorta implies he is only there to help, but he drops some clue that lets Zach know he’s full of shit. There follows a tense chase through the school auditorium and Chris and Zach are separated. Zach desperately tries to get to a frantic Chris who winds up getting cornered by Karl in the boiler room (AKA the scariest place in America). When Zach arrive,s Chris is on the floor, bloody and unconscious, with Karl standing over him. They fight and Karl naturally gets the upper hand (dude, he’s fucking Eomer/Judge Dredd/that fucking awesome assassin from that Bourne movie, ok?), and just as he’s standing over Zach with a dripping knife and expositing about motive (those long years chasing the Slasher really fucked him up, man!) and why Cho had to be gotten out of the way (he knew something or something), a shot rings out – Chris has killed him dead! 

Zach is shocked to see his BF standing there, face fetchingly splattered with blood (but not too much), shaking uncontrollably and with a gun in his hands, but there you go. There follows a lot of hugging and h/c and then they fuck and all is well because healing cock. And then epilogue and they open a chain of Wash ‘N Noshes around the country and give all the money to John’s fam because they’re good like that and they’re just happy to be fucking each other and to have this tragedy behind them… until the sequel. 

The End?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wolfi-sama requested Brokeback Pinto

Chris is the introverted loner who’d rather not have another cowboy up there in the mountains with him, preferring to be by himself and read his books (which sometimes take more room in his packs than they ought to, and he has to then ration his food).

Zach is a lot more outgoing, cracking easy jokes, and talking a lot. But he knows all about the books that Chris is reading and they have long conversations about literature late into the night.

Winter sets in and the nights get longer and colder. It’s no longer very smart for them to sleep in their own tents, so they share. They start sleeping closer and closer together until finally they zip their sleeping bags together and share body heat. The first night it’s really awkward, but Zach asks Chris about the farm where he grew up, and Chris asks Zach about the city he lived in for two years, and it is just nice, Chris thinks, to have someone so easy to talk to. After a while, they get into a routine with the cattle and chores, and it’s good. Comfortable.

Spring comes and so does the thaw. They have to get back into town so the cattle can be fattened up for market (I suppose? IDK I grew up in a city?). Anyway, they have to cross this stream that’s normally not so bad, but with the snow melting, it’s a lot deeper and the current is really fast. They get nearly all the cattle across, but there’s this pregnant cow that’s reluctant. Chris decides to help her, roping her to his saddle, but she slips and pulls both him and his horse under. It’s a major struggle, but Zach wades in on his horse to help, and soon enough all of them are out safely.

Chris is wet and shivering, his lips turning blue, and can’t get warm even when Zach makes a fire. He tells Chris how he read somewhere that body heat—skin to skin—was the only way to help hypothermia, so they pitch the tent early and get undressed and in their sleeping bags.

Chris’s entire body is like an ice cube, which is a shock to Zach, but he perseveres. He puts his arms and legs around him and rubs his muscles – his arms and thighs and buttocks. Soon, Chris begins to warm up and they settle in for the night. They talk of little things, like favorite Christmases and stuff. Chris says something about being happy Zach was there to help—if he was still up here alone, he’d have lost the cow and probably died of hypothermia. He says Zach can kiss him if he wants to.

Zach freezes, because no homo. But Chris says how he’s seen how Zach looks at him, and in case Zach didn’t notice, Chris looks at him like that too. They kiss, and that kiss turns into more, and then they make lurrrrve.

The next day they take the herd all the way into town and get paid. They go to a bar—because what else are two cowboys with all that money going to do?—and get more than a little drunk. They talk to each other in hushed tones, but they’re obviously close, and soon enough others in the bar notice. Words are thrown around, hateful words that Chris takes exception to. He gets into a fight and kicks major ass, running the two men off who had been calling Zach names. Later, when Chris and Zach leave together, the men return with some of their friends. They’re outnumbered and Chris gets the shit kicked out of him. Zach picks up a metal bar or something and hits some guy over the head. He goes down like a ton of bricks, and Zach is worried he killed the guy. He runs before they can find out.

Fast forward three months and Chris is seriously pining for Zach—they only had the one night together, but he realized he was in love with him. The guy Zach hit wasn’t seriously hurt, and it turned out he was an asshole wanted for some other crime, so the cops were happy to have picked him up. If only Chris could find Zach he could tell him, but Zach cleared out of town from what Chris can tell. Now it’s time for Chris to go back up to the pastures with the cattle. He misses Zach and he’s confused and he’s hurt. He leaves alone—the big boss offered to get him another partner but he refused. He reaches his destination, the campsite next to the lake where he and Zach used to stay the year before… and finds there’s a tent and a horse already there. He calls out—it’s Zach! He came up to be with Chris, even if he’s not being paid. He knew about the guy he hit being okay, but he stayed away from Chris because he knew they’d have a lot more encounters like the one they had. Zach’s used to people calling him names – they have all his life – but he can’t watch that happen to Chris.

They spend the winter up in the pastures with the herd, talking and fucking, until the snow melts and Chris has to go back alone.


End file.
